Tired, tired with nothing, tired with everything, tired with the world’s weight he had never chosen to bear.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned
First, I’d like to say that my blog is not a place for convincing anyone about anything. I’m not trying to “win”. I’m but a mere documentarian of the things that worry me. Second and as always, this blog is me thinking about my Christian struggles in public. If you’re in a place where a little negativity might shake your faith, please, don’t read any further.
Arguments about abortion date as far back as the early 1200s. Okay, that’s a lie. What is true is we’ve been arguing about abortion for a long time. We talk about it everywhere. We even have terms for those who are for or against it. Pro-choicers and Pro-lifers. I have read a lot of arguments for and against abortion. I’ve listened to those who talk about the sacredness of human life and the need to fight for the voiceless and most vulnerable. I’ve listened to those who argue for and against viability, citing the use of respirators and welfarism for mentally-retarded people; those who are all about choice and those who are for limiting those choices; those who talk of the world’s increasing population and bodily autonomy and how many people are not mentally, emotionally or financially ready to be parents. Omo, arguments plenty. Some will even talk about how God has not taken care of the hopeless, hungry, abused, poverty-stricken children of this world and that if he had, we would be less likely to abort. Someone else said God sef has been killing people in the Bible. How can this same God be saying every life is precious because they are made in his image when he has facilitated most of the killings that happened in the Bible? Take this Twitter conversation for example:
I’m not writing to convince you to be pro-choice or pro-life. I’m just wondering why anyone would fight tooth-and-nail to bring a child into this world? What about this world is worth fighting to enter? Why would you want to, by all means and against all odds, by fire by force, bring anyone here? Why would you want to force people to bring somebody here? Right to life?
This world is shitty. This place is crazy. The temporality and the difficulty of our temporary lives just makes everything seem so pointless. We all are acquainted with the problems of the world and so, I will not mention them. Look around, people are going through a lot. And for an increasingly useless currency, the naira is so difficult to make. Having children now is not even about money sef. And no, it’s not even about climate change. The world is currently too volatile and as far as I’m concerned, this is the most difficult time to be the parent of anybody. Everything no just make and small mistake, your child don wreck for life.
Once, I saw a documentary about a child sex-trafficking village in Bangladesh. I then read about sex-trafficking in Columbia, and in India. I then read about how maids from Africa and the Philippines were treated in Kuwait. I then read some stories of the Chibok girls and other persons taken by extremist groups. I then read some accounts of the Holocaust and the Rwandan genocide. I then read about the treatment of queer persons in some African countries. In all these instances, the pain is real. At some point, I wondered, did any of those people wish they were aborted? Our famous Job cursed the day he was born. That’s what pain can do to a man. How many people will exchange a life they don’t want for never having existed in the first place?
Someone on twitter said, “not suicidal and no regrets but nobody should born me in the next life” and it resonated with me. Compared to most of the stories I’ve read and heard, my life has been a walk in the park but there are days when I don’t want to do again. Of course, life can be beautiful. Life is beautiful. There is laughter and food and music and ice cream. Of course, I enjoy travelling and reading and meeting fine people but omo, living is just so hard. Sometimes, I ask my roommate if this is it, if this is all. The depression, the struggle, the constant effort to survive and stay afloat? The doubting yourself, the pain and sickness and how some person somewhere can influence the trajectory of your life simply by holding certain offices, having certain connections, owning certain monies and wielding certain powers? Is this the life?
If I’m going to give this kind of world to anybody, I don’t want it to be because I had no other choice. Lol. My friend, David will say I’ve become a law unto myself, that I’m self-referencing. Christians should not be autonomous but I here I am with these strong opinions that look nothing like Christ’s.
Well, Ecclesiastes remains my favorite book of the Bible. I can feel myself in those pages and left to my own devices, I have arrived at some of Solomon’s conclusions myself. Everything is vanity. Small play, your life have enter express. Everything is stupid and enjoying your labour is all you have. But guess what? Even the labour no dey sweet these days. Wo, everybody should just die. Another virus should come and wipe everybody off the planet. I’m tired.
Note of worry: I now write with too many “Omos”. So sad.